Paul spoke of Christ’s example of humility for us. He encouraged the church to remain in unity and love. “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3). Paul cautioned against the tendency for us to be self-seeking and conceited. It is our human nature and tendency to consider; ‘what’s in it for me.’ Paul was not saying that we should not consider our own interests, just that we also consider the interest of others. His desire is that we have the mind of Christ and keep within us his example of humility. “who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped” (Philippians 2:6).

Rather, Christ emptied himself, took the form of a servant and became human like us. Jesus humbled himself to the point of death on the cross. How many people would have ten thousand angels at their disposal and submit themselves to be tortured, beaten and crucified? Most of us don’t even have the self restraint to take an insult without retaliating. Since Jesus was able to obey his father’s commands and remained humble, God has exalted him. Jesus has been given a name that is above every other name. “so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth” (Philippians 2:10). Every tongue must confess, that Jesus Christ is Lord to glorify God our father.

As we humble ourselves, we will be exalted in due season. We have to master humility in order to experience exaltation. Humility is not pretending to be poor or stupid, but requires the ability to put other people first. Life can be hard at times and abuse by others can cause us to become self-centred and self-focused. When a person has not been loved and cared for by significant others, they can develop the tendency to focus solely on themselves. This is a defence mechanism and a maladaptive coping strategy developed to maintain self-preservation. It is understandable, because if a parent for example, does not care for a child, they have to learn to care for and fend for themselves.

The challenge is to find the right balance between self-preservation and becoming self-aggrandised. Without balance the abused can become the abuser or the manipulated become manipulative. Some people who did not have their needs met by significant others, can place unreasonable demands on others to meet their needs. This can cause people with unresolved trauma to become needy, toxic and demanding. This manifests in placing unreasonable demands on people to be available all of the time. These patterns of behaviours are draining and pushes other people away. This then reinforces the toxic cycle for the abused person who receives the message that they are unloveable. This can result in more manipulative behaviours in an effort to have their needs met.

We thank God for the saving power of Jesus Christ that can heal body, soul, mind and spirit. Self-preservation is important and taking steps to ensure that your own needs are met. The crux is maintaining balance so that we don’t become overly self-focused, self-centred and self-absorbed. While you focus on the need to be heard, take some time to listen. While you have the desire to have other people who are concerned for your welfare, consider the welfare of others.“a bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench; he will faithfully bring forth justice” (Isaiah 42:3).

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One of the dangers of anger, if left unchecked can lead to sinful behaviours. I want us to explore how to manage those difficult and harmful emotions that can affect our relationships. “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much” (James 5:16). James felt that a good remedy for handling difficult emotions was confession. Most of our churches don’t practice confessionals in the same way that the churches did in the Old Testament. However, there is a place for godly relationships with people who we can be open and honest with and who can hold us accountable.

“A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need” (Proverbs 17:17). We need people in our lives who can be honest with us when our emotions lead to behaviours that are toxic and dysfunctional. We need to be open to listen and do the self-examination in order to correct and amend our ways. Solomon said in Proverbs, “Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy” (Proverbs 27:6). If your friend is sincere then you know that you can trust their feedback. You also trust that your friend loves you enough to tell you the truth because they want the best for you.

In addition to friends, we need to submit to spiritual authority and leadership. David had the council of the prophet Nathan to correct him when he fell into sin. “Why, then, have you despised the word of the Lord and done this horrible deed? For you have murdered Uriah the Hittite with the sword of the Ammonites and stolen his wife” (2 Samuel 12:9). Once David was confronted, he was immediately repentant. It helped that David was not defensive and he did not retaliate against Nathan. “Then David confessed to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.” Nathan replied, “Yes, but the Lord has forgiven you, and you won’t die for this sin” (2 Samuel 12:13).

The story of David is an extreme case of the result of unchecked emotions of envy, jealousy and lust. This led to deception and murder in order to cover up his sin. Despite how depraved the sin was that David committed, he repented before God, prayed with sincerity and gained forgiveness. In summary, some of the ways to handle difficult emotions are to confess them to someone who God has placed in your life; be open to feedback and examine what is being said to see if it is meant to hurt you or to protect you from hurting yourself or others. Prayer and repentance is the main thing that we need to do with unhealthy emotions. God will heal and restore you from your place of brokenness and the Holy Spirit will give you the grace to avoid acting upon these emotions.

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We know that the devil is the accuser of the brethren and Paul spoke in his letter to the Ephesians about the dangers of anger which leads to sin. The letter says, ‘be angry but do not sin.’ In other words the emotion of anger itself is not sinful but if we act upon the feelings of anger, then we have acted sinfully. Some of the behaviours that result from anger are retaliation against others, filthy communication and taking vengeance. “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord”” (Romans 12:19).

I know that it is not easy to take insults and ill-treatment from others without the desire to retaliate. We have to remember that we do not war in the flesh and the weapons of our warfare are not carnal (2 Corinthians 10:4). “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12). As hard as it is, we have to keep this in mind when people are coming against us. We take the fight out of the flesh and take it into the realms of the spirit. The devil will try to keep us in the flesh because he will wear us out and beat us every time.

We do not have the physical strength to win earthly battles and the days when the people of God waged physical wars are in the Old Testament. Even then, the men of God relied on heavenly intelligence and strategies to give them an advantage over the enemy. If we struggle with anger and it remains unresolved then it leads to bitterness. Bitterness and resentment separates us from God and hinders our prayers. “If I had cherished iniquity in my heart, the Lord would not have listened” (Psalm 66:18). We have to forgive if we want to be forgiven and remember that God does not hold our sins against us.

It is not easy when we are hurt by others, especially when they are unrepentant. This is when we have to pray for them because it is difficult to forgive them without the grace of God. If we struggle with anger and bitterness, we have to ask the Holy Spirit to show us the root causes. We often treat the fruits when some emotions are deep rooted. We can carry roots of anger from our childhood and hold bitterness towards our parents for example. This can result from abuse, neglect or disappointment. The reality is that if we do not resolve these hurts then we will transfer these emotions into other relationships.

Tell God where it hurts and trust him to heal you. My Dad always says that, ‘God is a healer of mind and emotions.’ In the same way that we need physical healing for ailments when we are ill, we also need emotional healing from past hurts. Some emotional wounds if left untreated can also result in physical ailments. The Holy Spirit will show us where we have unhealed wounds and he will reveal in order to heal.

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Jesus shared the parable of a servant who owed ten talents to a King who wished to settle his accounts. “And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made” (Matthew 18:25). The servant fell on his knees and begged the King to have mercy on him and give him time to make the payment. The King conceded and agreed to forgive him the debt. After this conversation with the King, the servant met a fellow servant who owed him significantly less. The servant owed him just one hundred denarii. Now one talent is 6,000 denarii so he was forgiven by the King for a lot more.

The fellow servant begged him to give him time to repay. The servant started choking the fellow servant and demanded that he pay and when he could not pay, had him put in prison until he could pay. Other servants saw what this unforgiving servant did and reported him to the master. “Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me” (Matthew 18:32). The master scolded the servant that he should have had mercy on his fellow servant in the same way that he had been shown mercy. The King was so angry that he had the servant thrown in jail until he could pay his debt.

“So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart” (Matthew 18:35). Jesus shared this parable with Peter in response to his question about forgiveness. He told Peter that we need to forgive each other seventy times seven. We forgive because God has forgiven us and has placed all of our sins into the sea of forgetfulness and remembers them no more. God does not hold our past against us, neither does he hold unto what we have done.

Forgiveness is not easy and we have to forgive people who are not even sorry about what they did. We do not forgive for the benefit of that other person, but we forgive to set ourselves free from bitterness. Holding unto bitterness is allowing the person to continue to hurt us over and over again. This is because bitterness and resentment harms us and not the person who we are angry toward.

“and forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us” (Matthew 6:12).

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Job’s story is a difficult one to read for some people. In my experience, I actually read the book of Job during one of the most difficult periods of my life. The book helped me to identify with very difficult emotions. Counsellors believe that people who are hurting, sometimes need help with tapping into their emotions. This is because prolonged suppressing of difficult emotions can lead to numbness. This can result in symptoms of lethargy that can be described as a flat effect, where people struggle to express emotions. Therapists view the healthy expression of emotions in a safe environment, to be healthy and important for emotional well-being.

To summarise Job’s story, he lost everything from his children, his possessions and even his health came under attack. Job was a wealthy man, so he had a lot to lose, along with his seven sons and three daughters. Job actually took pride in his children and offered regular consecration to God on their behalf. When Job’s children died he did not accuse God or sin against him. “And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord”” (Job 1:21). When Job’s health failed, his wife was frustrated with their existence. “Then his wife said to him, “Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die”” (Job 2:9).

Job rebuked his wife and did not listen to her suggestions. His three friends came and sat with him as he grieved. For seven days they remained silent, as they understood how broken Job was. He spoke first and cursed the day his was born. After this, his friends spoke one at a time and each of them seemed to scold him for his words. They suggested that perhaps he had sinned and brought God’s wrath upon himself and accused him of being wicked. Each time they spoke, Job responded to defend himself. In the end, God himself responded to Job’s cries and lamentations. ““Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge” (Job 38:2)?

Following God’s challenge to Job, he confessed and repented before God for all that he has said. God also rebuked Job’s friends and instructed them to offer a sacrifice. In the end, Job was asked to pray for his friends so that God would turn his anger away from them. I wonder how easy it was for Job to pray for his friends, after they spent days speaking so harshly towards him. Imagine having friends like those when you have lost everything. Nevertheless, Job prayed for them. After he prayed, God restored to him twice as much as he had before. He had to have a heart of love and forgiveness towards his friends in order to pray for them. As he obeyed God and prayed, he was restored double.

I believe that bitterness and resentment can block the flow of restoration. “If I had cherished iniquity in my heart, the Lord would not have listened” (Psalm 66:18). Pray for the person who has hurt and offended you and trust God to restore you. Tell God how you feel and confess to him all of the difficult emotions that you are harbouring. God will heal you and restore you.

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I used to think that ministry was reserved for church on a Sunday. I also thought that someone with a calling or a real passion for God, needed to commit to full time ministry. I also thought that being seriously called, meant that you needed to become a missionary and travel the world to preach the gospel. Western culture negatively painted Africa as the continent, that needed Christian missionaries to save the lost and dying. Maturing in God helped me to identify that my daily life and work is in fact ministry. I learnt this more from my training about worship. My brother in law who was the worship leader for my church in Jamaica, taught us that worship is a lifestyle.

In essence, whatever you do for God on a daily basis should bring glory to Him. I also learnt other similar concepts from other ministers, about surrendering my job to God and to acknowledge God as my ‘real boss.’ One of my main ethos is that I work to please God, so if God is pleased then everyone else has to line up behind him. This freed me from working to please a Manager or a Supervisor. I do believe that we need to submit to earthly authority and render to Caesar what is due to Ceasar (Luke 20:25). However, God is my ultimate authority and I work for a clear conscience before Him. This also frees me from over work and burn out.

I trust my job to God, trust Him to bless what I do and trust Him to give me good success. I have focused on the work ethic of bible characters like Joseph and Daniel, who maintained an excellent spirit. I admire how Joseph excelled, even while in prison and found favour with the prison guard (Genesis 39:4). In addition to this, he was not afraid to use his God given gifts to minister to fellow inmates, when they had dreams about their future (Genesis 40). It was this use of his spiritual gift, that eventually allowed Joseph to find favour with Pharoah. Imagine if Joseph went around feeling sorry for himself and had a bad attitude.

Daniel also maintained an excellent spirit which caught the attention of the King. “Then this Daniel became distinguished above all the other high officials and satraps, because an excellent spirit was in him. And the king planned to set him over the whole kingdom” (Daniel 6:3). We know that the envy of the other officials, led to Daniel being set up and thrown in a lion’s den. Nevertheless, because of his faithfulness, God preserved him. After his release, the King made a decree that the God of Daniel, is to be feared because he is the true and living God. Daniel’s lifestyle was his biggest sermon.

Neither Joseph or Daniel were recorded as preaching sermons to the people around them. Both of them were in strange countries and carried out jobs that they were not originally trained to do. What these men did was to live an exemplary lifestyle. They did not take bribes or cut corners to get ahead, neither did they deny their faith in God. Their life was a testimony that demonstrated the power of God. Their influence showed who God is and they always gave the glory to Him. God will set us apart so that others can know who He is. We have to work to please God and do our job as an act of worship. This shifts our focus from pleasing men to pleasing God. Once God is pleased, then promotion and elevation will follow.

“For promotion cometh neither from the east, nor from the west, Nor from the south. But God is the judge: He putteth down one, and setteth up another” (Psalm 75:6-7).

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Jesus once told his disciples that whoever loved his life would lose it, but those who are willing to give up their lives in this world will keep it (John 12:25). This is quite an anomaly as you can’t quite lose your life and keep it at the same time. The losing and keeping which Jesus spoke of was, losing one’s self to the world and it’s desires and gaining a spiritual life which lasts into eternity. Jesus shared these teachings in the lead up to his crucifixion. He also stated that a seed had to fall to the ground and die, in order to be raised up again and live. I used to listen to my Dad perform baptismal services.

This is the line that my father used to say. ‘I am glad that I am at your burial and not your funeral.’ A burial for him meant, dying to the wages of sin and having the deeds of the flesh buried in water baptism. The idea was that the baptismal candidate would arise out of the water, a new person, the old person having been buried. I don’t have the time to argue with anyone, about the doctrinal accuracy of my father’s sayings. What I know is that I understood what he meant. Remaining in sin means staying alive to the deeds of the flesh. Accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and saviour is becoming a new creature and taking on a new nature.

Paul also spoke of righteousness through faith in Christ. He spoke about our worship through Jesus and having no confidence in our flesh. This is because the works of the flesh cannot save us. We can do nothing to save ourselves and salvation is a free gift from God. “But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ” (Philippians 3:7). Paul was willing to give up everything for his new life in Christ. He described himself as a Jew from the tribe of Benjamin, a Pharisee and a persecutor of the church. Paul had power, status and privilege and was a person with earthly significance. Imagine going from main persecutor of the church to being an apostle of Jesus Christ.

The apostles knew of the sacrifice and the consequences of their commitment to spreading the gospel. They saw what happened to Jesus and other disciples who promoted the gospel. Paul was among the inner circles of the Pharisees, so he knew first hand their mindset, power and of the harm that they were able to inflict on others. Nevertheless, he saw the need to reach lost souls as more important than his own life. Are you able to weigh the balance of your life’s work, to determine what percentage goes towards the furtherance of the gospel? Only what we do for Christ will last into eternity.

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Yesterday we spoke about the need to pray without condemnation. Today we will continue to explore some of the pitfalls of our words. I recall a time in the Old Testament when Aaron and Miriam faced condemnation, based on the words they used to criticise Moses. In Numbers 12, they spoke against Moses because he married a Cushite woman. Not only did they speak against Moses because of his choice of a wife, they also challenged his relationship with God. “And they said, “Has the Lord indeed spoken only through Moses? Has he not spoken through us also?” And the Lord heard it” (Numbers 12:2).

Miriam was a prophetess and Aaron went with Moses, to speak on his behalf before Pharaoh. In a sense, both Miriam and Aaron shared in the leadership role with Moses over the children of Isreal. Additionally, they were Moses’s siblings and it was Miriam who watched over Moses, when he was placed in a basket in the river. Their proximity to Moses and their familiarity with him, made it difficult for them to see him as more than their little brother. There could also have been some hidden resentment towards Moses who experienced a privileged upbringing in the palace. All the while Aaron and Miriam would have grown up under the bondage of Egyptian tyranny.

Either way, something gave them the bravery to challenge Moses’s authority. It is one thing to challenge his choice of a wife, but to speak about his relationship with God was taking things to an entirely different level. The bible’s description of Moses was someone who was humble and meek. God summoned Miriam and Aaron and gave them quite a scolding. “And the anger of the Lord was kindled against them, and he departed” (Numbers 12:9). After the Lord departed, Miriam was leprous and Aaron begged Moses to have mercy. Moses cried out to God on her behalf and God instructed him to shut her out of the camp for seven days. After the seven days, Miriam was brought back to the camp. We can assume that she was healed from the leprosy as she would not be allowed to return otherwise.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and we have to be careful how we use words to describe people. Words spoken in anger, frustration, bitterness, resentment, jealousy and other negative emotions can be extremely harmful. Either way, God judges the intentions of the heart and searches the deep and hidden things. Unlike us, God sees the motives behind what we say and we have to be careful that our words don’t come back to haunt us. There is a song that I remember singing in Sunday school which goes like this; “watch your mouth, watch your mouth, what they say, watch your mouth, watch your mouth, what they say. For there’s a father up above, looking down in tender love. Watch your mouth, watch your mouth, what they say.”

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Ahab was King in Israel after the death of his father Omri. “And Ahab the son of Omri did evil in the sight of the Lord, more than all who were before him” (1 Kings 16:30). One of Ahab’s major mistakes, was marrying Jezebel the daughter of Ethbaal who served Baal. Ahab followed his wife in serving Baal and built an altar to serve him in Samaria. One day, Ahab approached Naboth who owned a vineyard near his palace. He asked Naboth to give him the vineyard, so that he could turn it into a vegetable garden. Naboth refused as the vineyard was the inheritance of his fathers.

Ahab’s response was so extreme that he went into his room, turned his face to the wall and would not eat. Imagine a King throwing a temper tantrum, because a man would not part with the land that he inherited from his family. When his wife asked him what was wrong, he complained like a petulant child. Ahab was angry because Naboth refused to hand over his vineyard. Jezebel’s response was to support Ahab’s childish behaviour. “Do you now govern Israel? Arise and eat bread and let your heart be cheerful; I will give you the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite” (1 Kings 21:7). Jezebel decided to take matters into her own hands.

She used the Kings seal to write letters of accusation against Naboth, which led to his execution. Ahab took possession of Naboth’s vineyard which aroused the anger and condemnation of God. This was the prophecy concerning Ahab as a result of what he did. “Thus says the Lord: “In the place where dogs licked up the blood of Naboth shall dogs lick your own blood” (1 Kings 21:19). The plot of land was not worth the life of an innocent man. Ahab brought condemnation on himself and his household, because of his toxic and codependent relationship with Jezebel.

“Codependency is a circular relationship in which one person needs the other person, who in turn, needs to be needed. The codependent person, known as ‘the giver,’ feels worthless unless they are needed by and making sacrifices for the enabler, otherwise known as ‘the taker” (DR. EXELBERG, verywellmind.com). In healthy relationships, people have a desire to feel loved and wanted. The ideal relationship is one where both persons are interdependent. This is when two strong people are involved with each other without sacrificing themselves or compromising their values.

The pattern of codependency first started with Solomon, who married the Queen of Sheba. This marriage led him to leave his love for God and to serve other foreign gods. This generational pattern was passed down to Ahab, who was an extreme case. This is why choosing a life partner is such an important decision, as being attached to the wrong person can ruin your life. We can learn a lot from Ahab and Jezebel’s toxic relationship and guard against codependency. A wife should encourage her husband to be a better person as should a husband love and nurture his wife. Both people should help each other to become better children of God. A relationship needs two people who are firmly established in God to create a healthy and balanced union.

“Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals”” (1 Corinthians 15:33).

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It is impossible to go through life, without experiencing some kind of hurt or heartache. Some hurts are emotional or psychological and while some wounds are surface level others are deep seated. Some human beings are said to be more resilient than others. If that is the case, it is hard to measure types of hurt and try to determine how it will affect people. Two people can go through the same experience and both respond to it differently. It is hard to tell what makes some people more resilient, or try to determine why some people are better able to cope than others.

Whatever the hurt, God is invested in mending and providing healing. I didn’t always understand that God cares about my emotions and I once felt that he was too busy to be bothered with my heartache. I later learnt that God also cares about the matters of our hearts and our emotional well-being. “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). Not only does God care about our heartache, but he is also close to us when we are hurting.

It is sometimes the people that are close to us who cause us the most heartache. David said, “For it is not an enemy who taunts me— then I could bear it; it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me— then I could hide from him” (Psalm 55:12). In this passage David was lamenting about the betrayal of a friend, who he used to confide in. We have to trust our emotions to God and trust Him when we cannot trust other people. We learn the lesson, try to make better choices and be more selective when making decisions about significant relationships.

The best thing is to allow God to choose our friends and those people who he wants us to be close to. We have to also surrender our hurts to Jesus, so that we do not become hardened, as this can lead us to hurting others. God is not like people and a difficult relationship with a parent can affect our ability to trust God, for example. God is a good father and even if our parents forsake us then the Lord will take care of us. Even if your mother and father forsake you, the Lord still cares for you.

“For I will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal, declares the Lord, because they have called you an outcast: ‘It is Zion, for whom no one cares’” (Jeremiah 30:17)!

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