This is my final instalment in the series regarding relationship transformation. As part of finalising this series, I want to bring us back to the foundation of what Jesus taught us about love and marriage. We are commanded to love in the way that Christ loves. “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). Paul gave instructions to husbands and wives concerning love and submission. Wives are to submit to their husbands as they submit to the Lord. The husband is the head of the family, in the same way that Christ is the head of the church. Husbands are also commanded to love their wives, in the same way that Christ loves the church and gave his life for the church.

“that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word” (Ephesians 5:26). Sanctification is praying for each other, as Christ makes daily intercession for the church. Similar to the ministry and institution of marriage is the church who is the bride of Christ. His example of love and sacrifice to the church, is what God expects husbands to offer to their wives. Submission is not blind obedience and should not be abused by forms of control and manipulation. It is being willing to humble yourself before God and your other half. It is very easy to submit to someone who you love and respect.

We can assume that no one would marry someone that they don’t love, respect and admire. Since love is a decision, we have to continually affirm and reaffirm our decision and commitment to loving someone. Marriage is the first and most important ministry, of a Christian person who chooses to enter this institution. “For if a man cannot manage his own household, how can he take care of God’s church” (1 Timothy 3:5)? In the same way that satan hates the church, who is the bride of Christ, he hates marriages and will always try to target them. Consider his strategy against mother Eve and subsequently her husband Adam.

Attacks against marriages and the family structure, are attacks against society and humanity. Marriage is a honourable, sacred and holy institution, ordained by God for the fulfilment of purpose and destiny. “Marriage is to be held in honor among all [that is, regarded as something of great value], and the marriage bed undefiled [by immorality or by any sexual sin]; for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” (Hebrews 13:4). For single people who desire marriage, you have to determine and be able to establish how your union with another person, will help you to accomplish God’s purpose for your life. “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness” (2 Corinthians 6:14)?

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Jesus taught his disciples about judging others and spoke about preserving what is holy and sacred. In a society where values are not always cherished, people are misinterpreting the bible to suit their own desires. There are good reasons why God designed marriage as an institution for love and intimacy. It does not make sense to share your pearls with people who aren’t committed to you. We have to set boundaries and teach people how we want to be treated. We can’t be angry when we fail to set boundaries and then be surprised when someone mistreats us. It is important to know what you want from a relationship for example, in order to clearly communicate your expectations.

Different things are important for each person, so it is important to know what are your non-negotiables. This comes from having standards on things like, how you would like to be spoken to and knowing language and communication styles that you will or will not tolerate. What are your values and ideas around spending quality time and how much is too much or too little? Having an understanding of your love language and being able to communicate this clearly is also helpful. Gary Chapman designed the five love languages and described these as the typical ways in which people have their needs met in a relationship. For example, one love language is words of affirmation.

According to Chapman, someone whose love language is words of affirmation, needs to be affirmed in order to keep their love tank full. This person is also likely to be more sensitive to negative, harsh or critical words. People should seek to have the difficult conversations during the courtship stage, to get a better understanding of the values and beliefs of the other person. Conversations regarding money, savings and things like debt are extremely crucial. This is because disagreement around money is a major challenge in marriage. Other general ideas such as values around family and extended relatives and thoughts on raising children should be discussed.

My father always says that marriage has to be entered into with very careful prayer and consideration. After all, it is the most important decision that a person will make and it will have a major impact on the rest of your life. You have to be willing to ask yourself and the other person the hard questions and be sure that you can live with the answers. We cannot marry someone with traits that we find hard to tolerate and hope that they will change. Love is a decision and contrary to popular beliefs, we don’t fall in love, like someone who trips over and falls into a ditch. As much as we use our heart and emotions, we have to use our minds and intellect. We make a decision to love someone and our choice has to be made with sound judgement.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

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Solomon spoke in Proverbs and other books about the importance of wisdom. He was the first king to pray and ask God for wisdom to rule his people, after he took over from his father David. Not only did God bless Solomon with wisdom, he added wealth and influence. This was because Solomon sought after what was right, as you need wisdom to manage wealth for example. We also need wisdom to establish and maintain healthy relationships. We saw over the course of this series, that many people can grow up in families, where they are not taught how to establish healthy relationships. How would a person know how to maintain a healthy marriage for example, if they did not see this demonstrated by their parents?

The good news is that it is possible to learn, as we can identity people around us with healthy relationships, that we can learn from. This learning has to be intentional as the people in our sphere of influence will affect us. If you are surrounded by people in dysfunctional relationships, then you are likely to see them as normal and can replicate this. We also need discernment to choose the right people, as it is possible to attract or gravitate towards unsafe people. It takes wisdom to discern the people who are safe and who you are likely to be able to build a healthy and lasting relationship with. Can you identify if someone is ready for marriage?

The reality is that we look at the physical appearance of someone, while only God sees their hearts (1 Samuel 16:7). “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him” (James 1:5). It is important to ask God for wisdom and stop relying on our own understanding. This is especially important if you keep repeating unhealthy patterns. At some point you have to be able to reflect on the fact that you may be missing something. Relying on the Holy Spirit will give us the discernment to test the spirit of a person (1 John 4:1). People are able to present well and can convince us about their authenticity, but only God knows what is in their hearts.

We have to ask the Holy Spirit for direction about our relationship choices. We are taking a major risk, when we commit our heart and emotions to a relationship without asking the Holy Spirit for guidance. It is also important to have people around you who you can be accountable to. Other people can spot things that you may miss. Who are you accountable to and who watches over you to ensure that you aren’t walking into a ditch? One of the main reasons why God assigned Pastors is to guide the flock. A good Pastor can also spot when someone is walking into a dangerous relationship. They are likely to pray and ask God for wisdom on your behalf. Good and godly parents can also play this role, when their hearts are surrendered to God.

Not everyone is safe, which means that many people are unsafe. The devil can keep us trapped in demonic patterns and cycles to cause us to miss out on the good that God has for us. People learn about roles that they have to play in a job for example and study for years to acquire this. We should also commit to studying about maintaining healthy relationships. No one buys a car without first learning how to drive, for example. Learn about relationship principles and understand what the bible says about how to maintain them. “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: And with all thy getting get understanding” (Proverbs 4:7).

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The Israelites went around in the wilderness for forty years, because they didn’t learn from their mistakes. These people grieved God so many times and would constantly repeat the pattern of being in trouble, grumbling and complaining, God would come to their rescue and by the next trial they would grumble against God again. Similar to the Israelites, we are prone to repeating negative patterns and cycles. Einstein once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Some people repeat the same patterns in relationships and wonder why they never get their intended results.

Most often than not, you are repeating an old negative pattern and using the same strategies in relationships. The frustration from one failed relationship after the next can lead people to develop faulty thinking. Some faulty thought patterns include the following; ‘all men/women are dogs; marriage is not meant for everyone; all the good ones are taken; I have no luck with relationships; I don’t need a man/woman; relationships don’t last anyway, so why bother.’ These statements can be likened to the fox and the grapes, who unable to reach his desired outcome, deems the thing undesirable. While there may be elements of truth in each statement, using a wholesale approach in explaining anything is faulty and all generalisations are lies. Sometimes we have to admit that some of the issues may lie in us and ask God for wisdom to break old patterns.

In psychology and family therapy, we look at family life cycles and scripts and family patterns and norms, which inform our behaviours in adulthood. In essence, social learning theory explains why children repeat behaviours, that they saw displayed from significant adults around them. In spiritual terms, we consider generational curses and cycles and we recommend deliverance to break generational curses. “I lay the sins of the parents upon their children; the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations of those who reject me” (Exodus 20:5). Psychology recommends therapy to break generational patterns and cycles and to teach people new patterns.

It’s interesting to see times when science backs up scripture, without giving credit to the bible. I have seen the transforming power of Jesus Christ, in the lives of people who fully submit to God and I believe in deliverance and supernatural healing. I also support therapy and I have seen how this has transformed the lives of others. What is important is that you seek help, when you recognise that you are repeating patterns and cycles. “However, the spiritual [the immortal life] is not first, but the physical [the mortal life]; then the spiritual” (1 Corinthians 15:46).

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Paul taught us to love each other genuinely and to show genuine affection and honour towards each other. At the start of this series we saw what God prescribed for a man and a woman. “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one” (Genesis 2:24). Most young people have a dream and desire to marry the love of their lives and to live happily ever after. For many people, forming meaningful relationships that lead to marriage is a struggle. This is explained by Eric Erikson’s stages of development in the intimacy versus isolation stage. Erickson described this stage as occurring between 18 to 40 years.

Erikson’s view is that if someone has unresolved issues from a previous stage like childhood, they can struggle to navigate subsequent stages. Unresolved issues stem from unmet needs in a previous developmental stage. For example, if a young adult did not have their needs met as a child, they may be stuck emotionally and struggle with intimacy in adulthood. Forming healthy and meaningful relationships requires the ability to be open and vulnerable. An adult who experienced abuse and neglect for example will have damaged emotions. These damaged emotions will cause unhealthy or inappropriate emotional responses to others.

Some examples may resemble behaviours that are defensive, cold, angry, bitter and a struggle to maintain emotional intelligence. Some people build emotional and psychological walls around themselves, in an effort to try to protect themselves from being hurt. This is a defence mechanism created from unmet needs from parents or from abuse by significant others. Some people may also struggle to be their authentic selves, because of confusion that was created in childhood. Harsh, critical and demanding parenting styles that are shame based, produce adults who are uncomfortable with themselves. Adam and Eve were naked (vulnerable) with each other and they were not ashamed.

This is because, prior to the fall they had not experienced sin, guilt, shame or any forms of abuse. The fall created a messy situation for mankind and created dysfunctions within marriages and families. “The Scriptures tell us, “The first man, Adam, became a living person.” But the last Adam—that is, Christ—is a life-giving Spirit” (1 Corinthians 15:45). God sent his son to bring redemption and restoration. Accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and saviour and living for him, sets us free from sin. Through the work of the Holy Spirit, we can unlearn unhealthy relationship patterns. God can heal emotions that are damaged and help us in areas such as forming and maintaining healthy relationships.

Talking to a minister or a counsellor are also important steps in resolving past issues and working on healing and restoration. Don’t be afraid to work on your inner person. We often spend a lot of time and money on maintaining our external selves with clothes, jewellery and other accessories. What’s on our outside is important, but not as important as what is happening on the inside of us. External beauty may attract, but inner beauty is needed to maintain relationships. Don’t neglect your inner person and place as much emphasis on making sure that you are a whole and healthy person inside and out.

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day” (2 Corinthians 4:16).

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David was king of Israel who married eight wives in addition to concubines. Among David’s wives was Bathsheba, who was the wife of Uriah. Uriah was at war with the army of Israel and after an afternoon nap, David walked on his roof and saw Bathsheba bathing. He sent to enquire about who she was and was told that she was Uriah’s wife. Nevertheless, David sent for her and slept with her and she became pregnant. We don’t know much about the exchange between Bathsheba and David, except that he slept with her. Was this relationship consensual and did she have the option to say no to the king of Israel? David abused his power as king to exploit another man’s wife. He later killed the man and married her, when his attempts to cover up his behaviour proved futile.

Fast forward a few years later and David’s son is guilty of raping his half-sister. It was not illegal at the time for half siblings to marry and Tamar begged Ammon to ask for her hand in marriage. He allowed his lustful desire and the bad advice from his cousin, to convince him to defile her. Far worst than raping her, was sending her away as his desire for her turned into hatred. She begged him again to redeem her through marriage, as she would be condemned and deemed unsuitable. Her brother Absalom found out what Amnon did to his sister and he killed him.

Solomon succeeded David as King and was the son of Bathsheba. He followed in David’s footsteps in terms of his love for women and married seven hundred wives and had three hundred concubines. These excesses and his marriage to foreign women, led Solomon to start serving strange gods. This led to the gradual increase of idol worship in Israel and the subsequent depraviltiy of kings who followed Solomon. Behaviours left unchecked in parents, can easily transfer to their children and pass on to future generations. Incest and sexual abuse are difficult topics for most people.

Did some of David’s excesses lead to the deviant behaviours in his children? Tamar lived her life in solitude and David lost more than one son to acts of violence. He also lost the child that Bathsheba conceived when she was still Uriah’s wife. Paul warned us to run away from sexual sin, as this is the only sin committed against the body. God can also heal the emotional scars from sexual abuse. We cannot shy away from discussing difficult subjects as believers. Historically, crimes such as incest was treated as ‘family secrets.’ The truth will set us free and the first step is opening up to someone about the abuse. It is important to speak to a trusted counsellor and begin the journey of healing.

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Isaac married Rebekah and she conceived a set of twins and the two children wrestled in her stomach so they asked God about this. They were told that there were two nations within her womb, who would be divided. The challenge for me is that Isaac loved Esau and Rebekah loved Jacob. I wonder why either parent loved one child over the other? There are patterns of behaviours that we saw in Abraham, that we also saw in his son Isaac, who lied and told Abimelec that his wife Rebekah was his sister. Abraham did the same thing with Sarah when he traveled to Gerar. Both father and son were worried that the men would kill them over their wives, because of their beauty.

We see a scene set for rivalry and competition between Isaac’s sons and Jacob tricked his brother Esau into selling him his birthright. At the end of Isaac’s life, when he would have conferred a blessing to Esau, Rebekah helped to trick him into blessing Jacob instead. The other thing which I am curious about, is why Isaac didn’t have a blessing for both of his children. I appreciate that there was a special blessing for the firstborn child, but if you have a set of twins, why not bless both children. Esau wanted to kill Jacob when he discovered what he did and Rebekah helped him to escape.

Jacob lived with his Uncle Laban for seven years and agreed to work for his daughter Rachel’s hand in marriage. Laban tricked Jacob into marrying Rachel’s older sister Leah, who was the less attractive of the girls. Jacob had to work for another seven years, before he could marry Rachel. We saw a pattern of dishonesty between Laban and Jacob’s relationship. You could say that Jacob was reaping some of what he had sown, in tricking his father and brother. Jacob loved Rachel and hated Leah, so God blessed Leah with many children. Rachel’s womb was closed until she prayed and God blessed her with Joseph. Jacob loved Joseph the most out of all his children, because of his love for Rachel.

Jacob’s love and preferential treatment towards Joseph caused seeds of resentment, jealousy and hatred among his brothers. We could say that Jacob learnt this negative pattern from his own parents, who had their favourite among them. When parents have favourites among their children and treat them differently, it sows discord and disunity among them. We are human, so it is possible that some children may have traits that either parent may appreciate more. It should not be obvious to children who the clear favourite is for either parent. Parents should love all of their children and should not show preferential treatment as this leads to rivalry and competition.

“For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in” (Psalm 27:10).

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After the fall of Adam, we read about his descendants up to Noah. Mankind multiplied and there was evil on the land. “So the Lord was sorry he had ever made them and put them on the earth. It broke his heart” (Genesis 6:6). God decided to wipe away everything that he created from the face of the earth. “But Noah found favor with the Lord” (Genesis 6:8). God’s redemptive plan was to start over with someone faithful and he confirmed his creation covenant with Noah. Abram descended from the line of Shem and God established a covenant with him. He was called to leave his family and journey with God to a new country.

The promise was that his family would be blessed and he would be the father of many nations. The one challenge was that Abram was still not a father in his eighties, but his wife Sarai had a proposal. She convinced Abram to lie with her servant Hagar, so that they could produce a heir. Like Adam, Abram listened to his wife and Hagar conceived Ishmael. Trouble soon started as Hagar treated Sarai with contempt and she blamed Abram for this outcome. He reminded her that Hagar was her servant and she treated her harshly until Hagar ran away. “The angel of the Lord said to her, “Return to your mistress, and submit to her authority”” (Genesis 16:9). The angel told Hagar that her son would be called Ishmael. He would be wild and would be in conflicts with everyone, and live in open hostility against his relatives.

God reconfirmed his covenant to Abram and his name was changed to Abraham. Sarai was now Sarah and God revealed that they would have a son and call his name Isaac. Sarah conceived and gave birth to Isaac and Hagar and Ishmael made fun of him. Sarah demanded that Abraham get rid of Ishmael and determined that he would not share in his inheritance. Although it displeased Abraham, God confirmed that he needed to listen to Sarah. Ishmael and his mother were sent away and God promised that a nation would be created by him. This was another messy family situation that was created through impatience. Sarah wavered at the promises of God and decided to take matters into her own hands.

Abraham did not waver, yet he listened to his wife. Once the challenges started with the servant, Sarah blamed Abraham. Their disobedience created a child who would be at odds with his relatives for life. Ishmael had to deal with growing up without a father and was not allowed to benefit from Abraham’s inheritance. A child cast away and abandoned by his father’s family, because of the conflicts with his step mother. There are many people who are the result of blended families, children born through extra marital affairs and children who were raised by step parents after divorce or death.

Many children have experienced difficult family dynamics, from being a half sibling and feeling less entitled to the family inheritance. Many step parents have abused children born from previous relationships or from affairs. Nevertheless, God is gracious and he also made a covenant promise to Ishmael. “Go to him and comfort him, for I will make a great nation from his descendants” (Genesis 21:18). Your end is far greater than your beginning and although your family circumstances may have been challenging, God has a covenant promise for you. “then the Lord your God will restore your fortunes. He will have mercy on you and gather you back from all the nations where he has scattered you” (Deuteronomy 30:3).

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