Jesus taught his disciples about judging others and spoke about preserving what is holy and sacred. In a society where values are not always cherished, people are misinterpreting the bible to suit their own desires. There are good reasons why God designed marriage as an institution for love and intimacy. It does not make sense to share your pearls with people who aren’t committed to you. We have to set boundaries and teach people how we want to be treated. We can’t be angry when we fail to set boundaries and then be surprised when someone mistreats us. It is important to know what you want from a relationship for example, in order to clearly communicate your expectations.

Different things are important for each person, so it is important to know what are your non-negotiables. This comes from having standards on things like, how you would like to be spoken to and knowing language and communication styles that you will or will not tolerate. What are your values and ideas around spending quality time and how much is too much or too little? Having an understanding of your love language and being able to communicate this clearly is also helpful. Gary Chapman designed the five love languages and described these as the typical ways in which people have their needs met in a relationship. For example, one love language is words of affirmation.

According to Chapman, someone whose love language is words of affirmation, needs to be affirmed in order to keep their love tank full. This person is also likely to be more sensitive to negative, harsh or critical words. People should seek to have the difficult conversations during the courtship stage, to get a better understanding of the values and beliefs of the other person. Conversations regarding money, savings and things like debt are extremely crucial. This is because disagreement around money is a major challenge in marriage. Other general ideas such as values around family and extended relatives and thoughts on raising children should be discussed.

My father always says that marriage has to be entered into with very careful prayer and consideration. After all, it is the most important decision that a person will make and it will have a major impact on the rest of your life. You have to be willing to ask yourself and the other person the hard questions and be sure that you can live with the answers. We cannot marry someone with traits that we find hard to tolerate and hope that they will change. Love is a decision and contrary to popular beliefs, we don’t fall in love, like someone who trips over and falls into a ditch. As much as we use our heart and emotions, we have to use our minds and intellect. We make a decision to love someone and our choice has to be made with sound judgement.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

A.P.-Y.

Solomon spoke in Proverbs and other books about the importance of wisdom. He was the first king to pray and ask God for wisdom to rule his people, after he took over from his father David. Not only did God bless Solomon with wisdom, he added wealth and influence. This was because Solomon sought after what was right, as you need wisdom to manage wealth for example. We also need wisdom to establish and maintain healthy relationships. We saw over the course of this series, that many people can grow up in families, where they are not taught how to establish healthy relationships. How would a person know how to maintain a healthy marriage for example, if they did not see this demonstrated by their parents?

The good news is that it is possible to learn, as we can identity people around us with healthy relationships, that we can learn from. This learning has to be intentional as the people in our sphere of influence will affect us. If you are surrounded by people in dysfunctional relationships, then you are likely to see them as normal and can replicate this. We also need discernment to choose the right people, as it is possible to attract or gravitate towards unsafe people. It takes wisdom to discern the people who are safe and who you are likely to be able to build a healthy and lasting relationship with. Can you identify if someone is ready for marriage?

The reality is that we look at the physical appearance of someone, while only God sees their hearts (1 Samuel 16:7). “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him” (James 1:5). It is important to ask God for wisdom and stop relying on our own understanding. This is especially important if you keep repeating unhealthy patterns. At some point you have to be able to reflect on the fact that you may be missing something. Relying on the Holy Spirit will give us the discernment to test the spirit of a person (1 John 4:1). People are able to present well and can convince us about their authenticity, but only God knows what is in their hearts.

We have to ask the Holy Spirit for direction about our relationship choices. We are taking a major risk, when we commit our heart and emotions to a relationship without asking the Holy Spirit for guidance. It is also important to have people around you who you can be accountable to. Other people can spot things that you may miss. Who are you accountable to and who watches over you to ensure that you aren’t walking into a ditch? One of the main reasons why God assigned Pastors is to guide the flock. A good Pastor can also spot when someone is walking into a dangerous relationship. They are likely to pray and ask God for wisdom on your behalf. Good and godly parents can also play this role, when their hearts are surrendered to God.

Not everyone is safe, which means that many people are unsafe. The devil can keep us trapped in demonic patterns and cycles to cause us to miss out on the good that God has for us. People learn about roles that they have to play in a job for example and study for years to acquire this. We should also commit to studying about maintaining healthy relationships. No one buys a car without first learning how to drive, for example. Learn about relationship principles and understand what the bible says about how to maintain them. “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: And with all thy getting get understanding” (Proverbs 4:7).

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The Israelites went around in the wilderness for forty years, because they didn’t learn from their mistakes. These people grieved God so many times and would constantly repeat the pattern of being in trouble, grumbling and complaining, God would come to their rescue and by the next trial they would grumble against God again. Similar to the Israelites, we are prone to repeating negative patterns and cycles. Einstein once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Some people repeat the same patterns in relationships and wonder why they never get their intended results.

Most often than not, you are repeating an old negative pattern and using the same strategies in relationships. The frustration from one failed relationship after the next can lead people to develop faulty thinking. Some faulty thought patterns include the following; ‘all men/women are dogs; marriage is not meant for everyone; all the good ones are taken; I have no luck with relationships; I don’t need a man/woman; relationships don’t last anyway, so why bother.’ These statements can be likened to the fox and the grapes, who unable to reach his desired outcome, deems the thing undesirable. While there may be elements of truth in each statement, using a wholesale approach in explaining anything is faulty and all generalisations are lies. Sometimes we have to admit that some of the issues may lie in us and ask God for wisdom to break old patterns.

In psychology and family therapy, we look at family life cycles and scripts and family patterns and norms, which inform our behaviours in adulthood. In essence, social learning theory explains why children repeat behaviours, that they saw displayed from significant adults around them. In spiritual terms, we consider generational curses and cycles and we recommend deliverance to break generational curses. “I lay the sins of the parents upon their children; the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations of those who reject me” (Exodus 20:5). Psychology recommends therapy to break generational patterns and cycles and to teach people new patterns.

It’s interesting to see times when science backs up scripture, without giving credit to the bible. I have seen the transforming power of Jesus Christ, in the lives of people who fully submit to God and I believe in deliverance and supernatural healing. I also support therapy and I have seen how this has transformed the lives of others. What is important is that you seek help, when you recognise that you are repeating patterns and cycles. “However, the spiritual [the immortal life] is not first, but the physical [the mortal life]; then the spiritual” (1 Corinthians 15:46).

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Paul taught us to love each other genuinely and to show genuine affection and honour towards each other. At the start of this series we saw what God prescribed for a man and a woman. “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one” (Genesis 2:24). Most young people have a dream and desire to marry the love of their lives and to live happily ever after. For many people, forming meaningful relationships that lead to marriage is a struggle. This is explained by Eric Erikson’s stages of development in the intimacy versus isolation stage. Erickson described this stage as occurring between 18 to 40 years.

Erikson’s view is that if someone has unresolved issues from a previous stage like childhood, they can struggle to navigate subsequent stages. Unresolved issues stem from unmet needs in a previous developmental stage. For example, if a young adult did not have their needs met as a child, they may be stuck emotionally and struggle with intimacy in adulthood. Forming healthy and meaningful relationships requires the ability to be open and vulnerable. An adult who experienced abuse and neglect for example will have damaged emotions. These damaged emotions will cause unhealthy or inappropriate emotional responses to others.

Some examples may resemble behaviours that are defensive, cold, angry, bitter and a struggle to maintain emotional intelligence. Some people build emotional and psychological walls around themselves, in an effort to try to protect themselves from being hurt. This is a defence mechanism created from unmet needs from parents or from abuse by significant others. Some people may also struggle to be their authentic selves, because of confusion that was created in childhood. Harsh, critical and demanding parenting styles that are shame based, produce adults who are uncomfortable with themselves. Adam and Eve were naked (vulnerable) with each other and they were not ashamed.

This is because, prior to the fall they had not experienced sin, guilt, shame or any forms of abuse. The fall created a messy situation for mankind and created dysfunctions within marriages and families. “The Scriptures tell us, “The first man, Adam, became a living person.” But the last Adam—that is, Christ—is a life-giving Spirit” (1 Corinthians 15:45). God sent his son to bring redemption and restoration. Accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and saviour and living for him, sets us free from sin. Through the work of the Holy Spirit, we can unlearn unhealthy relationship patterns. God can heal emotions that are damaged and help us in areas such as forming and maintaining healthy relationships.

Talking to a minister or a counsellor are also important steps in resolving past issues and working on healing and restoration. Don’t be afraid to work on your inner person. We often spend a lot of time and money on maintaining our external selves with clothes, jewellery and other accessories. What’s on our outside is important, but not as important as what is happening on the inside of us. External beauty may attract, but inner beauty is needed to maintain relationships. Don’t neglect your inner person and place as much emphasis on making sure that you are a whole and healthy person inside and out.

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day” (2 Corinthians 4:16).

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David was king of Israel who married eight wives in addition to concubines. Among David’s wives was Bathsheba, who was the wife of Uriah. Uriah was at war with the army of Israel and after an afternoon nap, David walked on his roof and saw Bathsheba bathing. He sent to enquire about who she was and was told that she was Uriah’s wife. Nevertheless, David sent for her and slept with her and she became pregnant. We don’t know much about the exchange between Bathsheba and David, except that he slept with her. Was this relationship consensual and did she have the option to say no to the king of Israel? David abused his power as king to exploit another man’s wife. He later killed the man and married her, when his attempts to cover up his behaviour proved futile.

Fast forward a few years later and David’s son is guilty of raping his half-sister. It was not illegal at the time for half siblings to marry and Tamar begged Ammon to ask for her hand in marriage. He allowed his lustful desire and the bad advice from his cousin, to convince him to defile her. Far worst than raping her, was sending her away as his desire for her turned into hatred. She begged him again to redeem her through marriage, as she would be condemned and deemed unsuitable. Her brother Absalom found out what Amnon did to his sister and he killed him.

Solomon succeeded David as King and was the son of Bathsheba. He followed in David’s footsteps in terms of his love for women and married seven hundred wives and had three hundred concubines. These excesses and his marriage to foreign women, led Solomon to start serving strange gods. This led to the gradual increase of idol worship in Israel and the subsequent depraviltiy of kings who followed Solomon. Behaviours left unchecked in parents, can easily transfer to their children and pass on to future generations. Incest and sexual abuse are difficult topics for most people.

Did some of David’s excesses lead to the deviant behaviours in his children? Tamar lived her life in solitude and David lost more than one son to acts of violence. He also lost the child that Bathsheba conceived when she was still Uriah’s wife. Paul warned us to run away from sexual sin, as this is the only sin committed against the body. God can also heal the emotional scars from sexual abuse. We cannot shy away from discussing difficult subjects as believers. Historically, crimes such as incest was treated as ‘family secrets.’ The truth will set us free and the first step is opening up to someone about the abuse. It is important to speak to a trusted counsellor and begin the journey of healing.

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Isaac married Rebekah and she conceived a set of twins and the two children wrestled in her stomach so they asked God about this. They were told that there were two nations within her womb, who would be divided. The challenge for me is that Isaac loved Esau and Rebekah loved Jacob. I wonder why either parent loved one child over the other? There are patterns of behaviours that we saw in Abraham, that we also saw in his son Isaac, who lied and told Abimelec that his wife Rebekah was his sister. Abraham did the same thing with Sarah when he traveled to Gerar. Both father and son were worried that the men would kill them over their wives, because of their beauty.

We see a scene set for rivalry and competition between Isaac’s sons and Jacob tricked his brother Esau into selling him his birthright. At the end of Isaac’s life, when he would have conferred a blessing to Esau, Rebekah helped to trick him into blessing Jacob instead. The other thing which I am curious about, is why Isaac didn’t have a blessing for both of his children. I appreciate that there was a special blessing for the firstborn child, but if you have a set of twins, why not bless both children. Esau wanted to kill Jacob when he discovered what he did and Rebekah helped him to escape.

Jacob lived with his Uncle Laban for seven years and agreed to work for his daughter Rachel’s hand in marriage. Laban tricked Jacob into marrying Rachel’s older sister Leah, who was the less attractive of the girls. Jacob had to work for another seven years, before he could marry Rachel. We saw a pattern of dishonesty between Laban and Jacob’s relationship. You could say that Jacob was reaping some of what he had sown, in tricking his father and brother. Jacob loved Rachel and hated Leah, so God blessed Leah with many children. Rachel’s womb was closed until she prayed and God blessed her with Joseph. Jacob loved Joseph the most out of all his children, because of his love for Rachel.

Jacob’s love and preferential treatment towards Joseph caused seeds of resentment, jealousy and hatred among his brothers. We could say that Jacob learnt this negative pattern from his own parents, who had their favourite among them. When parents have favourites among their children and treat them differently, it sows discord and disunity among them. We are human, so it is possible that some children may have traits that either parent may appreciate more. It should not be obvious to children who the clear favourite is for either parent. Parents should love all of their children and should not show preferential treatment as this leads to rivalry and competition.

“For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in” (Psalm 27:10).

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After the fall of Adam, we read about his descendants up to Noah. Mankind multiplied and there was evil on the land. “So the Lord was sorry he had ever made them and put them on the earth. It broke his heart” (Genesis 6:6). God decided to wipe away everything that he created from the face of the earth. “But Noah found favor with the Lord” (Genesis 6:8). God’s redemptive plan was to start over with someone faithful and he confirmed his creation covenant with Noah. Abram descended from the line of Shem and God established a covenant with him. He was called to leave his family and journey with God to a new country.

The promise was that his family would be blessed and he would be the father of many nations. The one challenge was that Abram was still not a father in his eighties, but his wife Sarai had a proposal. She convinced Abram to lie with her servant Hagar, so that they could produce a heir. Like Adam, Abram listened to his wife and Hagar conceived Ishmael. Trouble soon started as Hagar treated Sarai with contempt and she blamed Abram for this outcome. He reminded her that Hagar was her servant and she treated her harshly until Hagar ran away. “The angel of the Lord said to her, “Return to your mistress, and submit to her authority”” (Genesis 16:9). The angel told Hagar that her son would be called Ishmael. He would be wild and would be in conflicts with everyone, and live in open hostility against his relatives.

God reconfirmed his covenant to Abram and his name was changed to Abraham. Sarai was now Sarah and God revealed that they would have a son and call his name Isaac. Sarah conceived and gave birth to Isaac and Hagar and Ishmael made fun of him. Sarah demanded that Abraham get rid of Ishmael and determined that he would not share in his inheritance. Although it displeased Abraham, God confirmed that he needed to listen to Sarah. Ishmael and his mother were sent away and God promised that a nation would be created by him. This was another messy family situation that was created through impatience. Sarah wavered at the promises of God and decided to take matters into her own hands.

Abraham did not waver, yet he listened to his wife. Once the challenges started with the servant, Sarah blamed Abraham. Their disobedience created a child who would be at odds with his relatives for life. Ishmael had to deal with growing up without a father and was not allowed to benefit from Abraham’s inheritance. A child cast away and abandoned by his father’s family, because of the conflicts with his step mother. There are many people who are the result of blended families, children born through extra marital affairs and children who were raised by step parents after divorce or death.

Many children have experienced difficult family dynamics, from being a half sibling and feeling less entitled to the family inheritance. Many step parents have abused children born from previous relationships or from affairs. Nevertheless, God is gracious and he also made a covenant promise to Ishmael. “Go to him and comfort him, for I will make a great nation from his descendants” (Genesis 21:18). Your end is far greater than your beginning and although your family circumstances may have been challenging, God has a covenant promise for you. “then the Lord your God will restore your fortunes. He will have mercy on you and gather you back from all the nations where he has scattered you” (Deuteronomy 30:3).

A.P.-Y.

Yesterday we read where Adam and Eve were naked in front of each other and they were not afraid. Fast forward to chapter 3 and Eve was beguiled by the serpent, to eat the forbidden fruit and she enticed her husband to partake. “Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths” (Genesis 3:7). God searched for Adam and Eve who hid themselves because they were naked and afraid. He called out to Adam and asked, “Who told you that you were naked?” He knew that they had eaten from the tree he commanded them not to eat.

Adam blamed Eve who blamed the serpent. The result was a curse for the serpent, the woman and her seed. “To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you”” (Genesis 3:16). Adam’s curse was to be subject to hard labour for food and they were both banished from the garden. Within this chapter, we saw the first difficulties appearing in the original family structure. Eve strayed and listened to the serpent and then enticed her husband. Adam blamed her for his sin, although he chose to listen and partake.

In chapter 4, we saw the discourse between Cain and Abel, which led to Abel’s death. My question is; what dynamics did Cain witness between his parents, that created so much anger in him? Let us consider the frame of mind, of Adam and Eve after they were booted from the garden. Adam was born in paradise and all that he needed was readily available without toil or labour. He longed for a companion and God created Eve. It was love at first sight and his words were, ‘at last, bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.’ Adam was so smitten by Eve, that he gullibly ate the forbidden fruit at her suggestion. Did either of them consider the consequences?

They were banished from the garden and the presence of God. Adam was subject to hard labour for the first time in his life. He was living out a sentence which he blamed on his wife. Eve must have been angry with herself and even more angry with Adam for blaming her when God asked questions. Cain was their firstborn and she brought him into the world in pain. He was most likely born at a time, when his parents were still adjusting to the hardship of their separation from God. Abel was their second born and his temperament could suggest that his parents had started to accept life as it was. The difference between the boys and enmity between them led to jealousy, resentment and murder.

We have continued to see dysfunctions in families ever since. A union once created out of pure love and devotion, is sometimes characterised by manipulation, control, anger and hostility. These negative patterns are being transferred to children and have been passed down for many generations. The good news is that God always finds a remedy for his children and salvation through Jesus offers relief. The answers are in the word. Stay with me as we walk through God’s journey of redemption and restoration. ““With your unfailing love you lead the people you have redeemed. In your might, you guide them to your sacred home” (Exodus 15:13).

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Solomon spoke a lot about relationships and the Songs of Solomon is a book of poems about love. Interpretations surmise that the book relates to God’s love letters or covenants with Isreal or Christ’s letter to the church. Either way, we are born with the desire and need for love and relationships. “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him”” (Genesis 2:18). God created us for relationships and He understood that Adam would not be his best on his own. Despite the presence of animals and other creatures, Adam needed someone like himself that he could relate to.

God created a helper for Adam from his flesh and presented her to him. “Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man”” (Genesis 2:23). The next verse described a man leaving his mother and father, to be with his wife, and the two would become one flesh. The man and woman were both naked and they were not shamed. Earlier in Genesis 1, we learnt how God created male and female and his instruction was for multiplication. “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth”” (Genesis 1:28).

One of the main reasons why God created males and females and placed them together, was for the purpose of procreation. The other important reason why I believe that men and women were placed together was for companionship. We can see how God designed the family structure, for the establishment and maintenance of society. Within the family unit, children are born, raised and taught how to function in society. Families instil values, norms and teach children about religion and culture for example. Families should provide emotional warmth, stability, nurture and meet the needs of children.

When children grow up in stable family environments, they become well adjusted adults who are able to function and contribute to the maintenance of society. Over the next few days, we will look a bit more into what happens, when God’s original design for the family structure is not maintained. We will try to explore some of the consequences of abuse, neglect, divorce, separation or dysfunctional family patterns, and look at how these patterns, affect people’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. We will also explore what can be done when children have not grown up in ideal family settings and what interventions can help to repair difficult socialisation patterns.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds”(Psalm 147:3).

A.P.-Y.

In Acts 22, Paul was placed on board a ship to sail to Rome, so that he could stand trial before Caesar. Paul sailed along the coast of Asia, through Cyprus and boarded another ship to Italy. The ship sailed with a lot of difficulty and Paul advised the crew of what he sensed would happen. “saying, “Sirs, I perceive that the voyage will be with injury and much loss, not only of the cargo and the ship, but also of our lives”” (Acts 27:10). The Centurion who transported Paul, paid more attention to what the crew had to say that what Paul said. As they were in winter, it was not deemed suitable to remain at the harbour, but to sail to Italy.

As the ship set out at sea, they encountered a storm which carried them along for days. The crew threw cargo and other items overboard in order to lighten the ship. They eventually gave up hope that they would be saved, after being in the storm for days. They were so anxious that no one aboard had anything to eat for days. Paul decided to address the crew and scolded them for not listening to his earlier advise. Nevertheless, he encouraged them that there would be no loss of life, because an angel assured him that he would make it to see Caesar. In addition, God would spare the lives of everyone on board the ship. “So take heart, men, for I have faith in God that it will be exactly as I have been told” (Acts 27:25).

The ship continued to sail for another fourteen days and the sailors intended to use a boat to escape the ship. Paul warned them that they needed to stay on board in order to live. He also encouraged the men to eat and took bread, gave thanks to God and began to eat. “Then they all were encouraged and ate some food themselves” (Acts 27:36). Once they had enough to eat, they threw the rest of the wheat overboard. The next day they discovered land and those who could swim were encouraged to jump overboard and swim to shore. The soldiers wanted to kill the prisoners because they feared that they would try to escape. The Centurion stopped the soldiers from carrying out their plan, as he wanted to save Paul.

In the end, not one person aboard the ship died, either to the storm, at the shipwreck or at the hands of the soldiers. God kept his word and Paul and the entire crew were spared from the storm. We could say that it would have helped if the men had listened to Paul and not set sail. In any event, God was gracious to spare not only Paul, but everyone on board. Paul’s faith was a witness to them that he served the true and living God. Although a prisoner, Paul spoke with authority and overtime the men listened. They even took caution and remained on board, when they wanted to use a boat to escape. They also followed Paul’s lead and ate in order to maintain their strength.

God kept his word and they were spared from death, but they were required to listen and obey. They lost the ship and their cargo, but every life was spared. The crew had to throw thing overboard that was deemed valuable. They had to choose between saving lives, rather than holding unto material possessions. Isn’t it strange that during times of difficulty, we may be willing to part with material possession, if it means the preservation of life. God was with Paul during the storm which assured him that they would be safe.

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